I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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