I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
