my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
