haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
