I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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