i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
