By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
