I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
