I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You are a genius and a whore.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
