I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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