I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
