Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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