Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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