all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
