I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
