I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
