There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
dude i'm inner monologue high
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
