yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
