How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
