i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
