There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
