Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
