loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
