Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
