Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
