I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
