the condom got lost in my hair
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
