hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
