She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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