No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
