I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
