Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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