The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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