Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
