I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
