His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
