i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
