Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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