The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
