You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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