Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
