i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
