who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
