just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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