I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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