I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
