just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Randomize