About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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