guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
