tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
