My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Houston, we have a blender
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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