he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
