I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
