Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
