Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Is Oprah even human
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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