I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
