I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
