i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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