atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
