He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize