saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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